Batman Villains Against Trump

My name is Two-Face, but you may know me as Harvey Dent, as I was called before my little accident in the facial region. As the only member of Gotham’s criminal community who is — as these guys put it — half-normal, I’ve been asked to speak on their behalf.  I speak for the Joker, the Riddler, the Penguin, Bane, Hugo Strange, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, the Calendar Man, and even that guy with the ventriloquism gimmick. What’s he called? The Ventriloquist, of course he is. Anyway, we have joined together with one goal: stopping Donald Trump before it’s too late.

It’s unusual for any of us to take an interest in politics, except for that time the Penguin ran for Mayor of Gotham. We like to stay above politics, spreading death and madness in a bipartisan rampage. We don’t have much time for politics, since we spend most days trying to kill Batman. The Joker alone has created thousands of death traps over the years, and the Riddler isn’t far behind. Hey, those guys got it easy: all my traps have to involve the number two, or a half, or fifty percent, or the rapper 50 Cent. I like that guy.

Anyway, we believe that some things are more important than dangling Batman over a vat of acid or strapping him to a slow-moving gear: namely, keeping a flat-out racist and borderline fascist out of the White House. We murder, steal, and terrorize, but we have standards.

Let me tell you about my standard, which I’ve always thought is very fair since half my body was scarred with acid: the coin flip. Heads I kill you, tails I don’t. Keeps things simple. I also use this method to decide if I want pizza or a hostage. Is that a double standard? Yes, that’s what I like about it. This little, shiny, round fella here is how I make all my decisions, including whether it makes more sense to slice Batman in half lengthwise or at the waist — and even I think a Donald Trump presidency would be crazy.

Traditionally, our community has leaned toward the Republican Party during those semi-lucid moments when the quacks at Arkham Asylum hit the sweet spot with our medication. Why? For one thing, we hate taxes. I didn’t like paying taxes before my accident, and I don’t like it now, though I think a fair rate would be fifty percent. We also support the Republican Party’s tendency to start unnecessary wars, which can create a helpful diversion from our, whatchamacallit, criminal activities. When troops are dying overseas, it’s hard for the public to get excited about a guy knocking over banks and leaving riddles — no offense, Riddler. Lax environmental policies are great too. When Republicans lower standards for drinking water, it’s easier for the Joker to stock Gotham Harbor with mutated, smiling, killer Joker fish. Those even creep me out. But not as much as Trump.

Stopping that orange fella is also essential to our unity. God knows we don’t always get along, but sometimes we need to team up against Batman, especially when he brings his buddies like Robin or that damned Justice League. Our dames — excuse me, female members — such as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy have threatened to dump us if we don’t dump Trump. Harley said Trump’s skin reminds her of pumpkins, and she’s pumpkin-phobic. Poison Ivy scares me, frankly, due to her freaky control of plants. It’s bad enough I’ve got Batman and the cops on my case. I don’t need a head of broccoli turning up in my bed.

We expect this announcement to cause a stir, because most Americans, for some reason, just assume that Batman villains would automatically support a potential President Trump. Some ignoramuses even assume Trump — because he’s called “the Donald” — is actually one of us. Let me clarify: the Donald is not one of us, but if you need further convincing, send me your address and the Penguin will send a horde of penguins strapped with missiles to persuade you. Or Bane will show you what it’s like “in the octagon,” which is not an octagon at all. It’s just a regular room where Bane punches you in the face. I’d also be glad to kill half your family, friends, or co-workers — but only if you have an exactly even amount.

That’s the difference between a guy like Trump and a guy like me: I’m not a monster.