From Letters

Dear Bethenny Frankel

I know you sold Skinnygirl Cocktails for like a bajillion dollars years ago, but since you are queen of the remaining Skinnygirl empire, I am so very overdue in congratulating you on your achievements as a female business owner, and in thanking you for making it easier for me and my girlfriends to choose the …

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An Open Letter to Dead Writers

Dear Money-Hoarding Corpses, Like most people, I used to admire you. Your books broke new ground and opened up whole new avenues of fictional expression. As a naïve young reader, I more than once picked up one of your florid efforts and eagerly laughed at jokes about stovepipe hats and irregular whiskers. Even the condemnation …

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An Open Letter to Private Letters

Dear Private Letters, I’m outing you. Like it or not, I’m ripping open the handwritten envelope with the actual stamp on it — the one with a return address of a real person — and I’m pulling you out into the open. You think you’re so fancy with your personal salutation and your specific sentiments. As …

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An Open Letter to Surveillance Cameras

Dear Surveillance Camera, You should be ashamed of your damn self. For years, you’ve been making people think that you’re in some way innovative and reliable. That you have some kind of value that might deter crime, catch criminals, or win first place in America’s Funniest Home Videos with an accidental clip of an old …

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