From Lists

People Who Get To Board the Plane Before Me

First Class Cabin, carried to their seats by Flight Attendant Brayden Priority Members Less of a Priority Members Gold Platinum Elevate SkyTravel Star Power Members Anyone who is a member of anything Families with small children, beginning with the criers and ending with the screamers Businessmen who got their shoes shined at the terminal (must …

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An Anxious Introvert’s Pinterest Boards

Places to pace back and forth while nervously talking on the phone Nice bathrooms to have nervous diarrhea before a social event Inspirational quotes to remind yourself that you aren’t a reclusive monster Famous introverts who made a successful living while you’re hiding from the person who is knocking on the door Boo Radley fashion …

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Signs That You Might Be Abe Froman

When you go to the grocery store to buy sausage — whether at Dominick’s at West Division Street or the Jewel Food Store on North Pulaski — your face is on most of the labels in the sausage section. After a Chicago Bulls game during 1992’s Eastern Conference finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers, you hung around …

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The A to Z of Being a Millennial

A is for Apple. You can’t wait for your mother to buy you the new model. B is for Banter. The only verbal communication worth engaging in. C is for C word. For when you want to sound taboo without having to say that other word. D is for Dick. Includes jokes, insults, and the …

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Things I Now Regret Throwing out Because They Did Not “Spark Joy”

perfectly serviceable black turtleneck sweater ugly but comfortable Keen walking shoes seashell refrigerator magnet that Greg and I bought on our honeymoon “Liberator” pillow that Greg gave me for our last anniversary half-full bottle of Kahlúa Clozapine Sundays at Moosewood Restaurant cookbook Greg’s hideous Warby Parker glasses Greg’s car keys Greg’s insulin pasta maker

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Who Ya Gonna Call in Case of Emergency

Something strange in your neighborhood: Ghostbusters Something on fire in your neighborhood: Fire Department Something weird and it don’t look good: Ghostbusters Something swollen and it don’t look good: Hospital Seeing things running through your head: Ghostbusters Feeling things running through your head: Hospital An invisible man sleeping in your bed: Ghostbusters A visible man …

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The Most Anticipated Listicles of 2016

7 Sexual Positions You’ve Never Tried and Never Will 6 Signs Your Toddler Completely Disapproves of Your Parenting Skills 3 Athletes Who Have Never Been Accused of Using HGH 9 Celebrities Who Need to Visit the Periodontist 5 Signs Your Neighbor Is About to Commit Mass Murder 8 New Foods Your Trendy Girlfriend Will Force …

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Lies Volkswagen Told Me

“Clean diesel” is a thing. Oh, wow, we’re really passionate about the environment, too! Your car will get 42 mpg on the highway with low emissions. You look beautiful behind the wheel. You can trust us. We’re just going out with some of our friends from Engineering. And Legal. Why are you so suspicious? We’re …

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Rejected Sexy Halloween Costumes

Licentious Witch Woodland Fairy Floozy Wanton Gnome Unchaste Phlebotomist Oversexed Candy Corn Promiscuous Pumpkin Spice Latte Vampy Twister Board Slutty Rubik’s Cube Concupiscent Pippi Longstocking Capricious Congresswoman Lascivious Harry Potter Sensuous Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” Salacious SpongeBob SquarePants Slutty Peyton Manning Mermaid Tramp Car Hop Waitress Hooker Pirate Of Easy Virtue Dental Hygienist Hussy Slutty …

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