From Lists

Pickup Lines for Sapiosexuals

You look like the only woman in this bar who knows how to use a semicolon. Is it me, or is this song full of logical fallacies? Allow me to buy you a beverage and then proceed upward through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You are hotter than the several-million-degree-Fahrenheit gaseous surface eruption known as a …

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Soviet Children’s Stories

Stalingrad Street Clifford the Big Red Dora Eksplorovna Barney and Comrades Decadent Capitalist Lunatic Tunes Sid the Indoctrinated Kid Torturetubbies Aleksandr Suvorov and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day SpongeBob Red SquarePants Winnie the Putin Curious Gorbachev Harriy Pyotr and the Left-Wing Extremist Philosopher’s Stone Harriy Pyotr and the Chamber of State Secrets Harriy …

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X Signs You’re Middle Aged

I. Your favorite outdoor activity is serfing. II. Kids today don’t have slang half as cool as yours (”Feudal, man!” ”Bubonic!”). III. As far as you’re concerned, no other Vowel Shift will be as good as the Great one. IV. All your friends are named either Baker, Chandler, or Smith. V. Istanbul will always be Constantinople …

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Elevator Pitches for Elevators

It’s a way to travel between floors of a building so quickly people have to condense their business ideas into a single sentence. If you are making an action movie it would be really cool to have your hero beat up a bunch of people in such a confined space. It’s a place to hear …

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What Your Favorite Workout Says About You

Sweatin’ to the Oldies You have eaten potpourri, which you thought were Skittles, which you could’ve sworn were your heart medication. ThighMaster You talk nonstop about an infected tooth. Not yours, your neighbor’s. Jane Fonda’s Workout You half-sleep during the CBS Evening News. Buns of Steel  Your spirit animal is Red Fraggle. Stop the Insanity! You …

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The Rules of Gluten-Free Fight Club

The first rule of Gluten-Free Fight Club is: You always talk about your gluten-free lifestyle. The second rule of Gluten-Free Fight Club is: YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT YOUR GLUTEN-FREE LIFESTYLE. Third rule of Gluten-Free Fight Club: Someone questions your diet, asks what quinoa flour is, or casually inquires why you’re eating a burger patty with …

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