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18th Century Tinder Message

O’ Sweetest Sight, As first I beheld your pleasant visage, a thunderous pulse ran through my veins, and left me shaken, as if by earthquake or long-suffering peasant mother. The fleeting faces I had held but moments before aloft as if precious baubles became but trinkets then, befit a gypsy or an American. I read …

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Batman Villains Against Trump

My name is Two-Face, but you may know me as Harvey Dent, as I was called before my little accident in the facial region. As the only member of Gotham’s criminal community who is — as these guys put it — half-normal, I’ve been asked to speak on their behalf.  I speak for the Joker, the …

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Dr Pepper, Adjunct for Hire

Dear Search Committee Chair: I am writing to apply for the Humanities Instructor position announced last week’s issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education. I recently passed my doctoral defense at the University of Georgia, specifically in the Tate Student Center Café, where I studied under some of the world’s top Snapple lids. My dissertation …

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The Eight Limbs of Brazilian Waxing

Pratyhara (Sensory Withdrawal) – Prior to Appointment In utter fear you read about the procedure, research the salon, and try to find information about how to decrease if not eliminate the pain. Then wonder if you can combine all the pain relieving mechanisms together. In essence, you plan to achieve complete sensory withdrawal by eating …

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Food Applies to be a Deity

To the Divinity Resources Department, I, Food, am applying for the position of Deity in Firmament. I understand that there is an anticipated vacancy due to the weak job performance of a current post-holder, God (Judeo-Christian version). God has recently struggled to fulfill his responsibilities of inspirer, prayer-answerer, awe-striker and vengeance-wreaker. Let’s face it, God’s …

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Bedtime Conversation With Myself

Chelsea 1: I am sooooo tired. Chelsea 2: I know, right? Better get to sleep early if you want to go for a walk in the morning before it gets too hot. (Turns on white noise machine.) Chelsea 1: Let’s check tomorrow’s temperature. Oooh. Seventy by 8 a.m. You might want to get some tweezing out of …

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Life Hacks from the Literary Deconstructionists

Most known for their philosophical approach to literature, stripping it of meaning due to the inherent instability of language to mean what it says, literary deconstructionists Jacques Derrida, Paul De Man, and their cohorts were also lifestyle experts, their writings littered with tips to help folks organize their closets and perform other household tasks with …

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