Thou shalt not look at screens (TV, computer, tablet, phone) starting one hour after dinner. If you do, surely you will die.
Thou shalt not drink alcohol, caffeine, or drinks high in sugar after 9 p.m. If you do, surely you will die.
Thou shalt do nothing but sleep in thy bed. If you do anything else, surely you will die.
Thou shalt never scroll through thy ex’s texts at all, but especially not after 1 a.m., pausing at that one that made you feel like you could hold his heart forever. We both knoweth this means you’re gonna send him a long, nostalgic text. We both know this is the worst. The Lord agrees. The Lord suggests you scroll back to last week’s drunk text of his pedestrian and unreliable junk.
Thou shalt listen to white noise, classical music, or the radio program “Delilah” for approximately forty to sixty minutes before you fall asleep.
Thou shalt not look for jobs, vacation spots, or volunteer opportunities after 11 p.m. You and the Lord both knoweth these aren’t gonna happen.
Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, try to fall asleep as the little spoon. You will big spooneth only. Best-case scenario, thy little spoon will be a body pillow.
Thou shalt keep thy bedroom at near-arctic temperatures, either through open windows or by using a good chunk of your paycheck on utilities. The Lord knows there is a place for conservation. The bedroom is not it.
Thou shalt not stalk thy other, more recent ex through her Reddit posts, tweets, or anywhere else that 3:30 a.m. might bring thee. The Lord knows she left you. You’ve told him many times. What she says on Twitter will only make you retweet lyrics from Brand New and read comments from strangers on her blog and leave anonymous chilli peppers on her Rate My Professor page. Stop it. She doesn’t pity bang exes.
Thou shalt not shop on Amazon, Etsy, or Babeland.com whilst trying to fall asleep. Many of these orders are nonrefundable, and when you realize this in the morning, surely you will die.
Thou shalt drink decaf tea with thy melatonin, specifically the greatest of all decafs, Sleepytime tea. You will know it by the drowsy bear on the box.