To Whom It May Concern:
Your company doesn’t need another go-getter, another ambitious winner who leaves for greener pastures once he finishes his master’s degree. You need a paper-pushing cube monkey, and I’m your man.
Years of navigating the wasteland of adulthood have left me broken, both in spirit and in wallet. So there is no meeting too trivial, no task too menial that I cannot see it through to its pointless conclusion as long as you promise to pay me.
Over the years, I’ve honed a diverse skill set and have perfected many workplace essentials such as wearing polo shirts, laughing at my superiors’ awful jokes, wearing khakis, and pretending to give a shit about your weekend.
Furthermore, I have mastered the art of just barely scraping by and can certainly see my talents thriving here, doing whatever it is you people do. Insurance? Sure. Marketing? Yes please. Social media analytics? All day, baby. Up top!
I am also experienced at sitting in beige rooms and wondering where it all went wrong, and I can perform these duties with all the vigor and enthusiasm of someone dangerously close to missing his rent payments.
I’m adept at working in fast-paced environments as part of a team (also known as “being a person”). However, if you’re looking for someone who excels in tedious roles with little to no human interaction, I can wear that hat as well.
I’d actually prefer it. People are the worst.
Let me guess — you’re looking to move quickly on this and hope to make a decision shortly? Great! So in seven months, when the wretched mole people you call an HR team emerge to actually do their damn jobs for once, remember this: Others may be more qualified for this position. Some may even have a passion for it. But I promise you, there isn’t a soul alive who needs the health insurance more than I do.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you shortly.