Dear Search Committee Chair:
I am writing to apply for the Humanities Instructor position announced last week’s issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education. I recently passed my doctoral defense at the University of Georgia, specifically in the Tate Student Center Café, where I studied under some of the world’s top Snapple lids. My dissertation was both a personal and critical exploration, entitled Why There’s No Period in “Dr”: The Semiotics of Absence.
I have a broad range of research interests, drawing from twenty-three unique academic disciplines. I am currently in the exploratory stages of a paper examining Baudrillard’s simulacrum through the lens of Diet Berries and Cream, tentatively titled “Has ‘Berry’ Lost All Meaning? Yes, It Has.” I also coedited Sweetest Scriptor: Collected Essays, a forthcoming anthology examining the extent to which the Death of the Author can be linked to high-fructose corn syrup. Your bulletin mentions a lecture course on American Thought and Culture in the Twenty-First Century; I would be a natural choice to lead such a class, as my areas of study encompass everything from the Red Fusion Era of 2002-2004 to the 2014 advent of Vanilla Float.
I believe in the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake, that the intangible benefits of education endure beyond the commercial value of a diploma. Such is my conviction — otherwise I would have simply gotten an MBA like my cousin Justin Pibb. I base my teaching philosophy on the premise that if I approach learning as an end in itself, I will inspire my students to do so as well. Or put more succinctly: I’m a Pepper—wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?
While I am a carbonated beverage and not a human, it is my understanding that your institution is an equal-opportunity employer. Furthermore, my lack of either dependents or a mortal body makes me ideally suited to live on your advertised salary and benefits package of eight thousand dollars and a parking pass.
I plan to attend the MLA convention next January and would be happy to meet with you for an interview at your earliest convenience. I will be on the fifth floor of the downtown Marriott and can be reached by pressing E4 or by shaking the vending machine vigorously.
Leslie Pepper, PhD