1. You make the mistake of spending your days with an English major. He tells you that terms like boyfriend and girlfriend are “just semantics,” and that “labels are meaningless.”
2. He texts you every day for months and dedicates so much time to it that you wonder, “Is he in love with me? Or is he in love with texting?” He does not seek you out in real life.
3. You find his Tinder profile, because both of you are still on Tinder “for entertainment purposes.” At least you can agree that swiping is addictive.
4. He woos your Kentucky heart with bottles of bourbon, opens doors, invites you to movies, and cooks like a dream. “Are we a couple?” you ask. “No, I’m soooooo not ready to be in a relationship.”
5. After eight months, the relationship is still not defined and then you stop seeing each other, but you don’t break up because you were never officially together. But he still texts you all the time.
6. He tells you that you should quit your job and become a Victoria’s Secret model, that you are a princess, that together you will make beautiful children. He is Colombian, and, as you will learn, he says this to every woman he meets.
7. You see him via a combination of 40% Snapchat, 30% Instagram, 20% Facebook, and 10% real life.
8. You never see him, but he texts you that he misses you all the time and sends you photos of his cat.