To the Divinity Resources Department,
I, Food, am applying for the position of Deity in Firmament.
I understand that there is an anticipated vacancy due to the weak job performance of a current post-holder, God (Judeo-Christian version).
God has recently struggled to fulfill his responsibilities of inspirer, prayer-answerer, awe-striker and vengeance-wreaker. Let’s face it, God’s KPIs are in the dumper. Look at church attendance. I mean, isn’t it Deity job requirement numero-uno to attract devoted worshippers? God just doesn’t get the butts in the seats anymore.
You can be confident Food will reverse this trend. Indeed, Food is already fulfilling many of God’s job responsibilities without commensurate title or compensation. For example, on Sundays, Food’s temples — Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Wegmans (Northeastern congregation) — are filled to capacity. Bottom line, I’m eating God’s lunch.
The Religion of Food has ready-made denominations. I’ve got your Vegetarians, your Vegans, your Low-Carbs, your Clean-Eating, your Paleos, and your Gluten-Frees. And that’s just the main-stream communions. Alimentation only knows how many more there are! Like proper sects, they demonize one another, averring they alone know the true path to Me.
I command legions of priests, from the brainy and Jesuitical (Michael Pollan) to the free-wheeling and evangelical (Guy Fieri). You think seminary is tough? Try Chopped.
It is the responsibility of any legitimate Deity to offer a dark and a light side. Got that too. Present occupants of Food Perdition include the following demons: High-Fructose Corn Syrup, Trans Fats, Partially Hydrogenated Shortening, Aspartame, Salt, Soda, and GMOs. The denominations mentioned earlier could add scores to the list (conflicting of course) concerning the occupants of Hell.
A true Deity must shift the boundaries of sin over time, as happened with gay marriage on God’s watch. Keeps adherents on their toes. I am no slouch in that department either. See “Cholesterol” and “Low Fat.”
Want punishment? Expiation for sin? One word: Diet.
As for Holy Scripture, Amazon currently shows 16,627 books containing both the words “Food” and “Bible” in their titles.
It is customary in a job interview to ask the applicant to reveal His greatest weakness. I therefore must state for the record that, unlike God, Food to date has not inspired far-reaching violence and bloodshed. I’m thinking Crusade-level here.
However, it is widely believed due to climate change, a war the likes of which the world has never seen will be fought over Food. (It is similarly customary for the applicant to turn His weakness into a humble-brag.)
I am aware you must be receiving dozens, if not hundreds, of responses from aspiring applicants for Pantheon inclusion. To name just a few entities in a similar position as Food to replace God: Spinning, Reiki, Malcom Gladwell, Airline Points, Landmark Seminars, Iron Man Triathlons, Colon Cleansing, TED Talks, Parenting, Social Media, Money, and Barcelona.
Against this list, I offer you one of my most powerful seraphs, Kale.
It will not be an easy decision for the Board to choose among these CVs. But no entity is in a better position than Food to respond to the current divine business challenge. With Food on your team, you will see a turnaround. Just imagine the PowerPoint slide showing how, by a mere change of personnel, Google searches have increased!
Current queries for God now stand at 784 million. For Food, 2.4 billion.
Please let me know at your earliest convenience when We may schedule an interview.
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Like this piece? Check out Anna’s novel Saint Brigid’s Cloak.