Guys Watching Princess Movies and Feeling Bad

GORDON: Sometimes I feel horny and my wife is holding the baby and I go over to kiss her and it’s cool but then I try to French kiss her and she pulls back and looks at me like she hates me. And it’s just like this scene in Aladdin where the Sultan, Jafar and Aladdin are discussing who Jasmine will marry, and Jasmine comes in and hears them and looks so angry. It’s the exact same expression as my wife’s. Like she wants me to die.

DAVE:  Has anyone noticed that Prince Charming doesn’t even have a name?

MARK: Which one?

DAVE: I see Prince Charming as this kind of Jack Reacher-like cipher who’s always trying to do the right thing. Snow White is singing in that high-pitched voice…

SIMON: That voice. Like a white-faced capuchin monkey.

MITCH: Or an out-of-tune violin.

GORDON: Or a crying baby.

DAVE: She’s basically singing a song for him to come. But when he shows up, she runs away! If she’d have just stayed at the Wishing Well and talked to him, she would have been fine. But she doesn’t and all this bad shit happens, and it’s because she blows him off.

GORDON: At least she’s not so angry all the time.

SIMON: How many princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? (High-pitched voice) What? And wreck my nails?

(Embittered laughs)

MITCH: I feel like I’ve spent my whole life waiting to break into a castle and have a beautiful woman knock me out with a frying pan and tie me to a chair with her hair. Who doesn’t have that fantasy, like, eighty-three times a day? But does it ever happen in real life? No.

DAVE: Ninety-three percent of workplace deaths are male, and none of the princesses ever has a job.

MARK: Truth!

GORDON: None of them.

MITCH: None of them.

SIMON: None of the white ones, anyway.

GORDON: If someone was bankrolling me, I’d be able to take care of a baby without hating that person.

MITCH: I’d focus on my music.

DAVE: I’d probably just go off and drift where the wind takes me.

SIMON: You know the only reason she even wants Prince Charming is for his money.

MARK: Which one?

DAVE: It’s always about money.

MITCH: Yeah, it’s like, if I had all that money, girls like Cinderella would be falling all over me.

CHAUNCY: I just hope he has a good prenup. Mwah ha ha.

SIMON: Why do princesses have gold diaphragms? So the princes think they’re coming into money.

MARK: Dude…

(Awkward laughs)

MITCH: When your parents name you Mitch, you know, you pretty much are going to be less attractive to women than dudes named Flynn. That’s just the truth.

MARK: Truth!

SIMON: His real name is Eugene.

(The guys snicker)

GORDON: Every time I watch Cinderella, it makes me feel bad because she stays sweet throughout the whole movie. When I was growing up I thought, that’s what women are like. And they’re not. They’re really, really not. They’re actually very sarcastic.

MITCH: That movie makes me feel bad because the godmother comes and just gives her everything. Like, why do bars give women free drinks but we have to pay for everything?

DAVE: No one gives us anything for free. Suicide rates among men are four times higher than among women.

MARK: Truth!

SIMON: Cinderella is still better than that other one, what’s-her-name, who lies there like a log.

CHAUNCY: She does rather sleep through it, doesn’t she?

GORDON: I wouldn’t even mind that. It’s just the hostility that’s so upsetting.

SIMON: Why does a princess agree to go down on you? Because you’re an escalator leading to the Vera Wang Bridal House.

MARK: Dude…

(Awkward silence)

MITCH: I was at this party and I went up to this girl and she looks at her phone and says she has to go. I hated myself so much and went home and ate seven egg and sausage waffle tacos. Why did Snow White run away at the Wishing Well?

DAVE: Exactly. It’s all I’m asking. Because she dies as a resultI mean literally, she dies! And Prince Charming comes and raises her from the dead and…and we still don’t even know his goddamn name. Talk about unknown soldiers.

(Resonating silence)