How to Survive Festival Season

Festival season is here!

But there’s more to festivals than getting smooshed by overwhelming crowds, sweating for hours in the blazing sun, being exposed to germs from thousands of strangers, and wasting hundreds of dollars on overpriced food and beer. There are also some downsides.

Deadly downsides.

But don’t let the possibility of achieving a negative patient care outcome put a damper on fun times in the sun. If you follow these helpful guidelines, you’ll keep kicking the bucket off your summer festival bucket list.

  • Attend in appropriate, safe, comfortable clothing, such as a robotic exoskeleton or an inflatable plastic bubble.
  • Never enter or leave a festival through death’s door, no matter how convenient the parking or public transportation.
  • Avoid StabFest and other impalement-oriented events.
  • Stay hydrated with something other than sacrificial blood and Four Loko.
  • Only hang out with people you know or have at least met in a past life.
  • Stay away during typically high-traffic times: try not to attend a festival on Saturday or Doomsday.
  • Be young and healthy and not a loser.
  • If you keep partying after a festival, do it somewhere other than heaven, hell, or purgatory.
  • Avoid suspicious characters or anyone carrying a scythe.
  • Die during another part of the year.
  • Most importantly, have fun while continuing to cling to the mortal coil.

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