Introducing Our Nut-Free, Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Egg-Free, Soy-Free, Adult-Free Nursery School

Are you searching for the right nursery school for your child — one that provides an enriching educational experience while also serving as your child’s first venture, on his own, into the world? Then you already know the dangers lurking around every corner: nuts, wheat, milk, eggs, soybeans…and adults.

If you’re like us, you know what a bad influence adults can be — bad language, poor judgment, substance use and abuse, a craving for money and consumer goods to distract them from their loneliness and unfulfilled ambition, eyes constantly staring at their phones and other electronic devices. Why would you ever let these people near your precious child?

And that’s without even considering the criminals and predators hiding stealthily among their ranks. Gosh, it’s scary.

That’s why we’re proud to be the nation’s first adult-free nursery school, protecting your children from the worst of the worst: grown-ups.

We have to admit, even we were skeptical when we first started developing our program. Without adults, who would implement our carefully developed, age-appropriate, award-winning curriculum? Who would supervise your child as he grappled with dangerous playground equipment? Who would change your child’s diaper or serve her a healthy snack?

And then we toured some of our competitors and realized that without adults we weren’t missing much. Let’s be honest: nursery school is really no different from dropping your kids in a McDonald’s plastic ball pit, add a fancy name, maybe a few books, and a couple of boxes of crayons. And desks. It’s the desks that make the difference, isn’t it? And the truth is that robots, service animals, and other children can do pretty much everything that we’d need grown-ups for.

We have guide dogs in the gymnasium and on the playground, able to help your child navigate difficult obstacles and warn them of impending danger. We have robots programmed to identify dirty diapers and change them without even interrupting your child’s play. We have six-year-old interns from a local elementary school who are just dying to read your children books and help them get their Play-Doh out of the containers. And we have a scarecrow sitting at the security desk, because, really, are actual security guards stopping anyone who looks plausibly human from entering the building? We didn’t think so.

Best of all, dogs and robots work for free, and six-year-olds are happy to get paid in candy. This means we can pass the savings on to you, and maybe you can work a couple fewer hours each week and actually spend time with your child instead of dumping him with strangers who probably won’t notice if he quietly climbs out of an open window and wanders into traffic.

Of course, our windows have alarms, and the grounds are monitored 24/7 by a state-of-the-art computer system. I’m telling you, it’s safer here than if adults were in charge, really. Computers don’t sneak out for a cigarette, and computers definitely don’t show up with the flu because they only get three sick days a year and figure they won’t be blamed if all the kids catch it — plus, kids with the flu don’t show up to school, making the job a heck of a lot easier, and what hardworking grown-up with a long commute and three bedridden kids of her own wouldn’t be tempted by that?

We invite you to come take a tour. Hank, a retired guide pony, is eager to take you around — and he won’t rush you past the creepy janitor or the classroom with the teacher who’s in the middle of a mental breakdown. We don’t have any janitors or teachers to hide. Hank also won’t distract you with a slick sales pitch, because we don’t need a sales pitch. Our children speak for themselves. And, after a week here, dress themselves, feed themselves, and administer their own medication. They learn to do all of this because there are no adults. Or nuts.

Stop by today! Hank and the rest of the staff — including the Roomba who cleans the carpet (and herds the kids for naptime) — can’t wait to meet you.