So, Your Latte Art Looks Like a Dick?

Hello! Welcome to the Latte Art Troubleshooting Hotline, where our flannel-clad, black frame-wearing, asymmetric hairstyle-rocking baristas are feigning interest to assist you in making your latte art represent your individually artistic, spiritual, and contemporarily gentrified needs.

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This call will not be monitored or recorded because fuck the Man. We live for the moment.

Greetings! My name is Aubrey. Sounds like you’re having trouble with your latte art, right? Just remember that you can’t fight the foam; you have to work with it. What’s your specific challenge?

Your latte art always looks like a dick? OK. My first recommendation is considering the temperature of the milk. Are you starting with a galvanized, ethically sourced metal milk jug that’s been refrigerated two to three hours prior to use? You are? And still always getting a dick? OK.

Next, what type of milk are you using? We recommend sustainable almond milk, which is both lactose and cruelty free. A kind, gentle hugging of the almonds by warm, non-mechanical compression provides the ideal milk — a sensitive media — with which to create the archetypal foam for your art. Oh, you use that? And still get a dick? OK.

Are you rushing the process? How controlled is your pour? Remember to slow it down. Good art can take up to ten minutes. Don’t have the time for that? We recommend you consider aligning your values with your latte art goals. Being more selective in your form of employment may help; consider part-time work or a hiatus from the commercial world to allow you to explore your true latte art potential in your own time. You’ll figure out ways to feed yourself when you discover that hunger is a creative drive. But you’re still describing a dick. OK.

Sometimes, aefingin skapar meistarann. That’s an ancient, likely paleo, non-grain eating, probably vegan Icelandic phrase that roughly translates to “practice makes perfect.” Impeccable latte art requires several attempts. Don’t want to waste espresso? I commend your environmental thriftiness! Consider saving money in different ways, like recycling dog hair to make sweaters and not flushing every time you urinate. You haven’t flushed since last week? That’s great! But still a dick, yes. OK.

What you’re describing to me, besides a very vivid foam dick, seems more like a creative blockage than an equipment or technique issue. My last recommendation is to try to make a dick — the best dick you’ve ever made. Then see what you get. If all else fails, grab this gift by its foamy balls. Become a latte art dick specialist. I might know a café in So-Ho that would be interested in hiring.

Thanks for calling!