Moonsplaining

Did I overhear you ladies chit-chatting about the Moon? Do you mind if I join your conversation? I think I might be able to help you wrap your pretty little heads around the topic. But you really shouldn’t feel bad if you can’t. After all, it is astronomical. You might get that joke later.

So, to begin with, the Moon is a heavenly body. Obviously, Blondie, you know something about a heavenly body. And you might also, Red, to a lesser extent. The word “lunatic” comes from the Greek name for the Moon, Luna, because hundreds of years ago people thought it was the Moon that caused craziness. But today we know that insanity is caused by hormones…and of course genuine hysteria is caused by the uterus.

Speaking of crazy, you might have read in one of your housekeeping magazines or heard someone on one of your soap operas say that the Moon was once a part of the Earth that somehow got ripped out into space. Must have been some baby-crazed female who came up with that notion, because as sweet as it is, it just doesn’t compute. Think about it: Other than being perfectly round, the Moon doesn’t look anything like the Earth! Obviously, the Moon was intelligently designed separately.

And, no, it’s not made of cheese, girls! I bet you’d like that, though. If you lived on the Moon, you’d never have to call a cab to the supermarket for something to serve at your hen parties with your Merlots and Pinot Grigios or use to top your casseroles — you could just step outside in your negligee and chip off a piece of the front yard…but you’d better scamper back inside before the Man in the Moon catches sight of you!

What’s that? Oh, you’re adorable. There sure is a Man in the Moon — I’ve met him. Unfortunate complexion, but a solid guy. Inexplicably devoted to his wife — his “darker half,” as he calls her — even if she is always up to something behind his back. Feels sorry for her, maybe. I don’t think I would. Too cold for my tastes.

But what about you dolls? What keeps you busy? Hmm? NASA? Yeah, if NASA stands for “Need Another Sandwich, Anyone?” No, really? What? I’m sure you mean “astrologists.” I’m a Taurus, myself. The Bull. Not that I put any stock in that nonsense. What do the boys at the Agency think about astrology? I bet they think it’s a lot of Taurus, if you know what I mean.

Did you know that the Moon’s gravity causes the ocean tides? Let me rephrase that: When you’re at the beach, asking a lot of your bikinis, and the ocean goes in and out — that’s the Moon at work! And if you run out into the water…and a lucky wave takes your bikini bottom out to sea as a souvenir…well, then we’re talking about a whole different kind of moon altogether, aren’t we! How’s that, now? You wrote your dissertation on harmonic tidal constituents? Are you sure about that, Missy?

“Doctor Melissa Crawford”? Okay. If you say so, honey. I mean, I’d play doctor with you anytime. Your friend here, too. Every doctor needs a nurse! And what’s your name, honey? Alice? “To the Moon, Alice!” Am I right? Domestic violence? Hardly. Violently funny, maybe. Come again? Well, to each his own, I guess…but if I were you I’d trust me on this. If there’s two things guys know, it’s science and humor.

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Like this piece? Check out Matthew’s novel Taking Ivy Seriously.