Questions to Ask When a Student Brings You a Homemade Clock

“Ahmed Mohamed’s homemade alarm clock got him suspended from his suburban Dallas high school and detained and handcuffed by police officers on Monday after school officials accused him of making a fake bomb.” — The New York Times, September 16, 2015

If he’s Muslim: Is this a bomb?

If he’s East Asian: Did your parents withhold food and sunlight until you finished making this?

If he’s working class and/or African-American: Did you steal this? (Also: Do you have drugs in here?)

If he’s Indian: Did you steal this from your parents’ convenience store?

If he’s Latino: Did you steal this from the family your parents work for?

If she’s a she: Isn’t this just the cutest? Does it run on bubbles and sunshine?

If he’s homosexual: Does this clock have a feature that counts down the days until your imminent fiery doom in Satan’s furnace?

If he’s an atheist: This clock is nice, but where do you get your morals?

If he’s white: What colleges are you considering?