WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent high-profile incidents of gun violence, Rep. Jim Lyons (D–Illinois) told reporters today that he’s been waiting patiently for even one person to call and ask him to address the problem through legislative means.
“We’re here to work for the People,” said Lyons. “If even one of my constituents would pick up the phone and ask me to do something, we could start taking steps to fix this. But it never happens.”
Lyons believes people desire change, but that the efforts of the electorate are largely misplaced.
“When a tragedy like this occurs, there’s always an outpouring of support and outrage on the Internet, which is all well and good, but I can’t propose bills based on Likes or Retweets,” said Lyons. “If even a small percentage of those posts were direct appeals — phone calls, emails, letters — to me and my fellow members of Congress, we’d be completely inundated. It would send a strong message.”
Instead, Lyons says, without direct pleas from voters he’s left to Like and Retweet with everyone else.
“It’s like, I don’t know how else to feel like I’m making a difference, you know?”
HATTIESBURG, MS — Backlash over retail giant Target’s recently announced transgender restroom policy reached new heights today as the one customer to ever use a Target bathroom vowed to never shop there again.
“I’m sorry it’s come to this. I really am,” Mississippi resident Ryan Smythe told reporters earlier today. “I’ve shopped at Target for years, but in light of recent developments, I can’t continue to support them.”
Smythe says he hasn’t decided which establishment he’ll turn to for his discount goods and public restroom needs but that Walmart is “a strong contender.”
“They seem more aligned with my personal values,” said Smythe.
Losing a loyal customer in such a high-profile fashion could be disastrous for a business, but Target remains optimistic in the midst of controversy.
“We’re sad to see Mr. Smythe go, but from a financial perspective, maintaining the restrooms in all our stores for the sake of the one customer who ever used them was a huge expense,” said a spokesperson for the company. “Now that we can shutter the bathrooms in each of our nearly 1,800 locations, we can use that valuable square-footage for things more customers will actually use, like expanded Starbucks seating or additional aisles for seasonal decorations.”
Encouraged by this unexpected upside to the bathroom initiative, Target is currently reviewing strategies on how to best alienate the six people who have ever eaten at one of its in-store Pizza Hut locations.
Photo: Jay Reed
FORT WAYNE, IN — Commemorating her son’s first birthday by posting a side-by-side comparison of the child on Facebook, Sara Thomas expressed bewilderment this morning that her infant has increased in height and weight since its birth exactly one year ago.
“I can’t believe how big this little bundle of joy is getting!! #amazing,” Thomas wrote, evidently unfamiliar with basic concepts of early childhood development.
Commenters on the photo shared the woefully uninformed mother’s surprise saying, “WOW he’s grown so much!” and, “What are you feeding him?? lol!”
Thomas, who presumably witnessed her other two children under the age of five go through similar processes of cellular division and multiplication, remained awestruck that her human baby is larger today than it was several months ago replying, “I know right!” and, “haha seriously Kelly!” respectively.
DES MOINES, IA — Trying to access a seldom-used online account, Michael Richardson, 39, stunned the tech world today when he was unable to correctly guess his own login credentials.
“Does this one start with a capital?” Richardson muttered, trying to recall the password he himself created. “Or maybe it ends with one. Or, wait, is this the one that’s all numbers?”
After several unsuccessful login attempts, Richardson realized the issue might actually be his username, “Now that I think of it, I might have signed up with my work email.”
Word of this impenetrable username and password combination spread quickly to encryption specialists around the globe.
“This is an unprecedented level of digital security,” said Dr. Daniel Thurman, Ph.D., Professor of Computer Science and Applied Mathematics at MIT. “To devise a system capable of safeguarding data even from its owner. It’s not something I thought I’d see in my lifetime.”
Silicon Valley has also taken note of Richardson’s achievement.
“What Michael has accomplished has huge implications for the entire technology industry,” said Drew Sanders, President of Novawave, a prominent venture capital firm. “We’ll be watching his progress closely.”
At press time, Richardson had unintentionally triggered the account’s lock function, meaning he must now wait an unspecified amount of time before trying again to access his profile. Sources indicate he plans to use the “forgot password” feature to log in once enough time has elapsed.
WASHINGTON — In a recent survey of Donald Trump supporters, a full 100 percent of respondents said they would be “strongly against” any attempt to leave the warped reality they inhabit and return to the cosmic domain in which the rest of us reside.
“I don’t think we have any business focussing our energy on interdimensional travel when there are so many more pressing issues at hand,” said one survey participant, whose vote is worth just as much as yours. “Like, where did we leave off on Obama’s birth certificate? Until that’s resolved, I definitely couldn’t support this kind of measure.”
“It sounds expensive. It’s not something we should be spending taxpayer money on,” said another respondent about the prospect of Trump proponents departing their bizarro version of our known universe.
One after another, each occupant of some distorted section of spacetime echoed the sentiment.
“Before we worry about getting back within the confines of a realm governed by predictable and familiar physical laws, we should deal with all the rapists and other immigrants invading our borders,” said another voter endowed with the same democratic rights and powers as you and me.
One Trump advocate offered a different, but no less conclusive, take: “Honestly, it’s fantastic occupying a spatial plane completely detached from logic and reason. It’s amazing how much time frees up when you’re unburdened by concepts like veracity and rational thought.”
And what does a delusional member of the electorate do with all this extra time?
“Mostly I’ve been catching up on reading. Did you know they did a new run of Mein Kampf?”
Photo: Darron Birgenheier
CHICAGO — Publishing their findings in the American Journal of Sociology, a team of researchers at the University of Chicago have identified a direct correlation between how much you care about Kim Kardashian and how much I despise your very existence.
“These results are as unambiguous as they come,” the study’s lead researcher, Michael Anderson, told me. “Time and time again, the more someone is concerned with the latest news about Kim, the more you dislike them on a visceral, primal level.”
Furthermore, Anderson and his team were able to show the same link between your interest in any member of the larger Kardashian brood and my unmitigated abhorrence of your being.
“We see the same hatred toward people concerned with any of Kim’s immediate and extended relations,” Anderson said. “This includes Kanye, North, Saint, and all of the Jenners.”
Anderson attributes the study’s success to the vast sample size at the team’s disposal. “The number of people who give a shit about the Kardashian family is staggering,” he said. “For science, that’s great.”
For humanity? Only time will tell.
Photo: Eva Rinaldi
FRAMINGHAM, MA — Office supply chain Staples, Inc. announced today that due to “changing market forces over the past decade” it will retire its iconic “Easy Button” and adopt Amazon’s 1-click ordering button in its place.
“We’ve reached a point where we must acknowledge that a button that does literally nothing to make your life easier can’t compete with a button that allows you to order virtually anything on the planet with the absolute minimum effort imaginable,” said Staples, Inc. Chairman & CEO Ron Sargent.
Sargent went on to say the decision came after considering what would be best for the company’s customers, “At Staples, our first priority has always been providing the easiest solutions for our shoppers, even if those solutions come from our competitors.”
The remaining stock of “Easy Buttons” currently retail for $6.99 plus tax on Staples.com. As of press time, ordering one required multiple clicks.