A is for Apple. You can’t wait for your mother to buy you the new model.
B is for Banter. The only verbal communication worth engaging in.
C is for C word. For when you want to sound taboo without having to say that other word.
D is for Dick. Includes jokes, insults, and the organ itself.
E is for Emoji. Especially the one laughing so hard he’s crying.
F is for Fuck. You don’t give a fuck. You want to fuck. What a stupid fuck. Things are fucked.
G is for Government. The reason things are fucked. Write something on a piece of cardboard and go to a protest. Don’t forget the Guy Fawkes mask.
H is for Hitler. He killed people or something.
I is for I. All the most important sentences start with this.
J is for Joking. Seriously, mate, it was just banter.
K is for Kardashian. So pretty. So, so pretty.
L is for Loneliness. But you’ve got seven hundred friends on Facebook, so you’re safe.
M is for Mental Disorder. The most fashionable disease you can pretend to have.
N is for Netflix. And chill.
O is for Original Thought. Your last one being what would happen if you switched on a vacuum cleaner in deep space.
P is for Pissed. Because what else do you do on Friday, Saturday, and possibly Sunday night?
Q is for Quidditch. Because those books are long, but the films are sick.
R is for Retarded. Liberally applied to everyone and everything you never liked.
S is for Selfie. It’s better than sex.
T is for Tweet. Thank fuck it’s not 140 words.
U is for University. It’s all bullshit, but whatever, at least you get a loan.
V is for Vine. Your one-stop shop for culture around the world.
W is for Weed. It’s not just a plant; it’s a way of life.
X is for Xylem. Because the C you got in biology proves you’re smart.
Y is for You. The reason mirrors exist.
Z is for Zenith. Yours being when you broke your record for most matches at once on Tinder.