Welcome to Adjunct Heaven

Hello there, twenty-something! Your body gave out from a potent mix of grading, cheap wine, and podcast binging. As I speak, your friends and family are crafting a tombstone from your student loan notifications. Yes, your corporeal form may be a withered husk, but fear not, for unlike the doctoral programs you applied to, you have been accepted into adjunct heaven!

Up here, you’ll finally get to live out your wildest fantasies! For example, when you meet someone you both want to sleep with and add on LinkedIn, you can do both without having it be a thing. If the department chair should find out about your canoodling, there will be no consequences. Not only does the chair think you’re an invaluable member of the faculty, but they praise you on a near-constant basis. There’s no need to stutter your way through a request for a letter of recommendation — they’ve already drafted one and put a reminder to send it out in their Google calendar!

Up here, your partner isn’t the only one who supports your decision not to have taken that job offer from Geico. In adjunct heaven, your partner’s father supports your decision to not financially support his little girl. On Earth, you had to endure disappointed looks and off-hand comments about how successful your partner’s college boyfriend is since accepting that hedge fund job right after graduating. Here, not only does her father understand why you received an MA in poetry while working at Best Buy, but he’ll remove the picture of her ex from his desk right after destroying it with a larger, more expensive image of you.

To further ease the burden of being dead with nothing to show for it, we’ve designed what we believe will be ideal classes. In adjunct heaven, your students all loathe the inundation of technology. Not only do they show up to class with their phones turned off, but they occasionally leave them back in their dorm or older boyfriend’s apartment. This allows them to focus more on your lecture, which you may fill with cool D’Angelo references and jokes that the students will both understand and love. You will never have to explain what a comma splice is, and you’ll find that each student loves reading long-form articles and shows up early to class so they can eagerly discuss the ones you assigned. If you’ve had a hard lecture, your two favorite, age-appropriate students will give you a back massage and present you with your bespoke silk robe, which they’ve lovingly embroidered with “The Champ.”

As far as compensation, you will earn enough to pay rent and even afford other things. If you’re unfamiliar with rent, fear not. Many of our adjuncts were living with their parents or partners at the time of their demise, so we’ve put together some literature on how to make this transition.

In your apartment building, you’ll have a mailbox. In that mailbox you’ll find letters from your student loan company reminding you that your payment is due. Do not panic! Here in adjunct heaven, your debt is forgiven. We ask that you collect these letters and put them outside with the recycling. We try to keep the temperature a crisp 62 degrees at all times, and we achieve this by burning these notifications.

We’ll let you get settled in. If you’re concerned about when the semester starts, don’t worry. It starts whenever you’ve completed your syllabus.