We’ve Cast a Tiger to Play the Next James Bond

After a long and arduous process, the casting committee has finally chosen the new James Bond: Cybil the Tiger.

We realize this is an unconventional selection. We’re all used to a more, shall we say “anthropoid” Bond. The main aim of the casting committee was to identify a candidate who embodied the social progression that the James Bond franchise would like to help Hollywood to pursue. That vision led us to Cybil the Tiger, who represents almost every underrepresented minority group in Hollywood.

First of all, Cybil the Tiger hails from Asia. Yes, we stole her from her natural habitat, which defies ethics, especially since we’re discussing an endangered species, but it was important for us to bring an Asian actor into the Hollywood spotlight, and in a movie that isn’t about ninjas, Samurai, or how to travel the world in a decidedly dull 80 days.

Cybil the Tiger is also female. James Bond will still go by the name James Bond, but we felt that, at this time, we would generate far more opening weekend revenue from feminists if we used a female lead. A lot of feminists go to the movies. We’re simply trying to adapt our demographic so that young women can also grow up with dreams of becoming cold-hearted, ruthless, sex-addicted killing machines.

Furthermore, Cybil stands 3’6”. We received a lot of complaints that James Bond always stands somewhere in the range of 5’9” to 6’3”. A lot of people felt that shorter actors were not receiving realistic shots at the role. Cybil was the shortest candidate we auditioned.

To remain in aesthetics, Cybil weighs in at a whopping 357 lbs. That said, I should note that she will be placed on a strict diet and a workout plan. James Bond will still appear athletic as ever, mostly because our writers do not possess the experience to write authentic storylines such as James Bond struggling with metabolism issues or losing confidence over his body type.

Gingers flocked to us with surprising ferocity during the casting process. They felt that James Bond was a prime opportunity to thrust a ginger into the Hollywood spotlight in order to show the world that gingers can be more than secondary characters such as Scooby Doo’s Daphne Blake, Harry Potter’s Ron Weasley, and the Rugrats’ Chuckie Finster. Cybil the Tiger is admittedly only part ginger, but we feel the casting committee made a suitable compromise given the opposing pressure from James Bond diehards to tune out all the complaints from underrepresented groups and either hire someone with the classic look of a Henry Cavill or send Pierce Brosnan back in time in order to give it another go at not screwing up all of his movies.

An obvious concern with selecting a tiger for the prestigious role of James Bond is that tigers can’t speak English, but that is precisely the point. Cybil the Tiger not only appeases the complaints of our foreign fans to finally have a Bond who did not grow up in an English-speaking England, but her inherent incapacity for language will help to ease the franchise’s transition into silent films.

Elephants were considered for the role. So were a few monkeys, one dog, and a particularly spirited mountain goat.

We do thank these and all other candidates for their effort and participation throughout the casting process, especially Idris Elba. Idris was phenomenal in his auditions, truly sensational, but the casting team felt Idris was too…how to put this lightly? Idris didn’t have the right look.

Surveys of our key demographic — white males ages 18 to 35 — told us that fans don’t want to see our movies get too dark. Batman dark. The good Batman movies. With Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman. You know, like a melancholy, sort of depressing movie that feels just a little too real. The presence of a tiger will help to keep James Bond light.

All things considered, Cybil the Tiger embodies all of the diverse qualities we were searching for in the next James Bond.

Thank you all for coming today. On behalf of the entire James Bond franchise, I sincerely hope you enjoy Cybil the Tiger in the upcoming installment of the 007 series, for which, if you’re interested, we’ve cast Alan Rickman as the villain. There were a lot of complaints from dead people that Hollywood has been ignoring them.