Sweatin’ to the Oldies
You have eaten potpourri, which you thought were Skittles, which you could’ve sworn were your heart medication.
You talk nonstop about an infected tooth. Not yours, your neighbor’s.
Jane Fonda’s Workout
You half-sleep during the CBS Evening News.
Buns of Steel
Your spirit animal is Red Fraggle.
Stop the Insanity!
You have accidentally worn fingerless leather gloves to a funeral.
You deliberately wore leather to a funeral.
You have charged your cellphone at a funeral.
You have been caught kissing a life-size replica of Vin Diesel.
The Shake Weight
You own a poster of Michelle Obama’s toned arms.
Both your safety school and your safety word is Yale.
You love the chase.
You only date single moms.
You drink iced coffee.
You drink hot green tea.
The Book Club Workout
You drink artisanal wine.
You have VIP tickets to see Mumford & Sons.
You watch the Golf Channel while you contemplate working out.
You have written a negative review of a cruise vacation, in which you used the word “Poseidon.”
You wore a top hat to prom.
You lost your virginity at prom.
You went to prom with your gay best friend.
You were the bouncer at prom.
You hit on your teacher at prom.
You have heckled a hotel concierge.
You’re a proud Brony.
You have defended Pitbull’s music career.
You hold the elevator for strangers.
WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ELEVATOR???
You’re that weird smell in the elevator.