Your password has been changed.
If you made this change, you don’t need to do anything. Your information is secure. You have a great job with a promising company. Your spouse and children love you. Your friends are secretly envious but outwardly worshipful. Even Jeff Bridges and Carrie Brownstein seem uncool next to you. You can pretty much go on autopilot ‘til death, which may not even happen to a special person like you. Congrats!
If you didn’t make this change…whoa, boy. Oh, man. Man. I mean, Jesus. This is not good. This is a whole lot of not good. I don’t even know where to start.
Not to point fingers, but what the hell did you do, idiot?
Did you click on a pop-up ad like some kind of Internet amateur? Did you give your Social Security number to a Ponzi prince just because he wasn’t Nigerian? Did you mouth your credit card number on the Kiss-Cam at a basketball game?
Whatever it was — and please take the rest of your now worthless life to second-guess your every activity from birth up to the present — you have doomed us all. Wait, not us all. Just you.
Your account has totally been hijacked, but that’s just the tip of the doom-berg. Now that some criminal or warlord or Batman villain has changed your password, they could be doing almost anything in the rubble that was once your life.
Your children? Not anymore. They’ve been sold to labor camps via Amazon and shipped by drone.
Your spouse? What spouse? They left you ten seconds ago for someone with a goddamn clue.
Your job? You’ve been replaced by a robot, and not even a good one. This thing is dumb as a blender, and it’s already been promoted.
Your health? You don’t want to know. Trust me, bro, you don’t want to know.
However, if you would like to know about our latest news and products, you must be desperate for anything to distract you from the unholy mess you’ve made of your one chance on this big blue marble, a chance you’ve flushed down the toilet forever, damn you.
For your sake, I hope you believe in reincarnation so you get a second chance at life. But if karma is real, you’re probably coming back as something like a worm or eel, so good luck with that.
Please do not reply to this email, because you disgust me, and I will not respond.
On second thought, please do reply. It would be fun to show your dumbass response to my friends.
To get back into your account, please include your phone number, credit card number, debit card number, Social Security number, lucky number, and a promise to stop disappointing your parents and disgracing your ancestors.
You are human garbage.
The Customer Care Team
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Like this piece? Then you’ll love Mark’s new book Bullshit: A Lexicon.